I’ve met some pricks in my time but you are the fucking cactus.
that moment when you mess up a word so often it becomes a default auto correct
I broke up with the door
It just wouldn’t open up to me
Next time a blocked number calls you answer like this: “Jim’s whore house. You got the dough, we got the hoe.”
Why does this not have any notes?
lol no “Nashville sperm bank, you squeeze it we freeze it. how may I help you?”
“Henderson’s Morgue, you stab em, we slab em, this is Eight Ball speaking.”
“Texas crematorium you kill ‘em we grill ‘em how can I direct your call?”
i want flawless eyebrows and $100,000
yes hello id like to buy this painting!! its just so beautiful. ive fallen in love and i have to have it. how much is it??? wait. what do you mean thats a mirror
[sleep-over voice] are you awake
[sleep-over reply voice] yeah
[regrettable sleepover invitee voice] you guys SHH
[confused sleep-over voice] what is the meaning of life
[annoyed sleep-over voice] dude shut up
[sleep-over host voice] you guys be quiet my moms gonna hear us
[unknown voice] you kids wanna buy some drugs
want to burn 1000s of calories fast???
- try to put your bed sheets on your bed